You've read some of these, and you always think to yourself, 'Hey, I could do that!' So what's stopping you? Motivation? Money? Ability? Dammit, we live in the future, and in this future anybody can write a novel. I've got good news for you, too, if you can read this, you basically have all the prerequisites met for undertaking this project. Here's what you've got:
A computer - because you're reading this, I'm about 95 percent sure you've got a computer or access to one (yes, you could be reading this on a cell phone or something else, but you're not.)
Time - clearly nobody is forcing you to kick around on this page, so you've got some time to burn. Doubly so if you're at work.
Motivation - you might think you're lacking in this department, but the fact that you've read this far shows at least some interest in writing a novel. You're doing this instead of looking at pr0nz, which is also a measure of your superior character.
So, with all that out of the way, let's make a plan, let's spell out what it takes to get from here (this novelless nebula of suck) to there (a world where we've written novels). First, you need the big picture. Answer for me these questions three, and we'll be on our way:
What's your novel about?
Who's in it?
Why do we care?
College professors and high school teachers love to lecture students about the 'requirements' for a good story. They'll go on and on about setting and theme, talk about protagonists, conflict resolution, story arcs, and fifteen kinds of bullshit. They're good at saying 'no'. You can't do this, you can't do that, etc.
Why would you listen to someone who's never been published and claims to be an expert?
Me, I'm a published expert. You should listen to me, I will tell you what matters. Here's what matters: spelling, grammar, and style. Don't write like an amateur and you won't be one. The story doesn't matter. Want proof? Look at all the compelling books you'll find out there that aren't novels. They don't have all the arbitrary requirements necessary for fiction novels, and they sell, and people like them. Self-help books, technical texts, etc. You could write a book about sheep-farming in Hokkaido and people would read it, if it's well-written.
I'm done ranting. We're writing a novel. We need a story outline. You could skip this step, but let me tell you why you shouldn't: it will save you time. Rather than writing a book a paragraph at a time with no direction for your characters, you could have a set path for your story, allowing you to fill in blanks instead of constantly trying to think of what to do next. Consider these two scenarios:
Scenario 1:
Bob, the dashing protagonist, and Ella, his ravishing love interest, are sitting at a bar. What will happen between them? I don't know, but I'll wing it as I go along. They might fall in love, he might be a rabid murderer, at this point I'm not sure, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.
Scenario 2:
Bob and Ella meet at a bar.
They date for a while and get married.
Ella comes down with debilitating foot cancer.
Bob has an affair with Ella's sister.
Ella discovers the affair and murders them both.
Ella must now flee from the law, but is hindered by the wheelchair she must use because her cancerous foot was amputated.
Now, if I had to write a bunch of prose in a short amount of time, I'd be a lot more confident working with the information provided to me in Scenario 2. Either way, you'd be riffing most of it, but with the second scenario you already know the futures of the characters and you can play with foreshadowing. Let's put it this way: playing the stock market is hard, but possible. Playing the stock market with knowledge of what happens in the future will make you a shit-ton of money.
When it comes to writing your story about your characters, you're an insider. Keep that in mind.
So, we have some kind of outline. How can we write without:
-sounding like everybody else?
-sounding like horrible amateurs?
-being boring?
There are a few tricks you can use to greatly improve the way you come across in print. The first is to stop using lots of adjectives to describe things. Your readers are smarter (believe it or not) than you give them credit for. Consider the following two passages:
He was an old man with a devilish glint in his eye, stacking rickety, wooden boxes atop one another. His glasses were scratched, but his white suit was impeccable.
Okay, decent, we know what's going on, but consider:
Professor Sogbottom pointed his cane at a man walking by, and said, "You, sir, you look like a discerning type. Wouldn't you enjoy extended longevity, greater mental elasticity, and all-around good health?"
Which passage was more interesting? I'm hoping you said the second one. If you did, do you know why? Verbs and dialogue. Not saying don't ever use adjectives, just saying that it's easy to get stuck in the habit of using them almost exclusively.
Now that we've touched on style, how about technical skill? First off, consider having your MS edited by a professional or at least a self-proclaimed Grammar Nazi. You can find a Grammar Nazi on almost any internet forum, so click on his handle and send him a message offering him 20 bucks to edit your masterpiece. If he's spending all day grading other people's grammar for free (because he has no life), he will jump at the chance to make a small profit from it.
The point? Make sure your eyes aren't the only ones to see your text before you send it out.
Also (and I confess, I've been guilty of this as well...) don't use expressions whose etymology you are unsure of, or you might end up with gems like these:
As he stood over her grave, he realized he loved her, but by then it was a mute point.(moot point)
Reporters have been pouring over the documents since their release a week ago. (poring over)
I use to be a football star, back in high school. (used to)
These mistakes are common, and making them doesn't make you an idiot, but it does send a signal to the discerning reader that you haven't had your stuff edited. Just something to keep in mind.
Today's megatask involves translating a novel into your native tongue. Since I only speak Japanese and English, we'll be translating a novel from Japanese into English. So as you read along, feel free to mentally plug in your source language where you see the word 'Japanese' and your target language where you see the word 'English'.
Before we get into the nuts and bolts of this, let's clear up a few things. The first one: 'translating' involves written documents, and 'interpreting' refers to transmitting spoken word information between individuals speaking different languages. If you say you're 'interpreting a novel' you'll sound like a college kid in a crummy English lit class.
Another thing: most translation involves translating _INTO_ your native language. Of course it's possible to translate into your second language, but you have to be really proficient to sound natural, fluent, and intelligent in a second language. Unless you are near-native in that second language, it would cost more to edit your stylistic mistakes than to just have it translated by a native speaker of the target language.
Okay, with all that out of the way, here goes: the first thing you have to do is to set aside a free afternoon and study Japanese for three or four years. Any afternoon will do, but a Sunday is best. And I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing: 'No! I'm really smart! I will be able to learn it in one year!'
Or three months, or one month, or whatever, because you use Rosetta Stone, or work for the CIA, etc. The three-year minimum relates to our goal of translating a novel, not to your proficiency in learning a language. Intensive language courses are great, and they will make you an awesome speaker. But that's not our goal here, is it?
Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to be super-proficient in your source language to be a translator. You really just need to cover two basic points: know about 5,000 words, and have a good understanding of grammar. If, like me, you chose Japanese as your source language, you must now take a ten-minute break to punch yourself in the genitals, because you are obviously a masochist. You've just made things much, much harder for yourself because you've brought kanji into the equation.
The 5,000 word thing is arbitrary, but there's a reason for it. Most novels contain anywhere from 20,000 to 100,000+ words, and I don't have enough time or motivation to look every up every single word. Do you? Trust me, unless you are a superstar in Japanese, you will spent a LOT of time looking up words, but it'll be much easier if you're not looking up sou and desu every time you see them.
And why the big focus on grammar? You've got to be able to coherently assemble all those fancy words you translated. If you can't manage that, you might as well give up, because your translation either won't make sense or will be wholly inaccurate. And I know, you can look up grammar just as easily as you can look up words, but if you don't know basic grammar, you'll be spending a lot more time looking things up than you'll want to be. This is a novel we're talking about, not a newspaper article.
Okay, with all your studying out of the way, you're ready for phase two: picking a novel to translate. I chose Murakami Haruki's Pinball, 1973. I chose this author because he's popular and I really admire his work. I chose this specific book because it is incredibly hard to find an English copy for less than $400. To me, it's important to choose a book you haven't yet read in English, so you aren't influenced by the other translator's word choices and decisions. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pick a book that has an English translation, in fact, when you're finished, reading that version can be a good way to gauge your abilities.
One more thing to note, something I probably should've mentioned before you spent three years studying: you won't be able to sell this translation. You would need the permission of the original author and probably the original publisher. Not impossible to get, but you wouldn't be reading this article to begin with if you were already neck-deep in that whole scene.
So you've picked your book, now you have to get your book. While I flew to Japan and bought a few copies of the source material in a Japanese bookstore, you may find a 1500 dollar plane ticket impractical and instead choose to buy the book using some iteration of amazon.com or some other internet bookstore. And that's fine, nobody will think less of you for your half-assed approach to book procurement.
And now you've got your book and you're ready to get cracking, in fact you've already got it open and you're translating word for word starting from the very first page. HOLD ON! At least let me tell you about my method, because it might help you. You're welcome to ignore my advice if you think it's dumb.
Some rules I set for myself:
1. Read over one page, highlighting all the difficult words.
2. Using a notebook or a digital file, make a list of all these difficult words.
3. Look them up, and record the applicable definitions.
4. Translate each sentence on that page, underlining passages you are unsure of.
5. Do a set number of pages each day (1 to 3 pages might be best).
A few things to think about: translating too much at one time will burn you out, so try to spend less than an hour on this project each day. Even if it takes a few months, that's okay. This is a good way to spend time studying without going to a class, so stretching out the effort will extend the amount of time you spend mentally processing the material, which is a huge benefit.
Now, you will likely come across words and phrases that boggle the hell out of you. Your trusty dictionary won't know the answer. Never fear, we're children of the future and going to the *shudder* library is not something we resort to unless we're bleeding or desperate. No, there are other things we do before we do that.
If your dictionary fails, check wikipedia.org. Often you will find a page for your term in the source language and you can just click on 'English' in the left-hand column to find out what's going on. And sometimes this doesn't work. In which case, we resort to Google. If your thing is a noun, do an image search. If this yields garbage, pick a random page utilizing the troubling term and translate the paragraph it's in for context.
Hmm...and sometimes, that just won't do it, either. So now is an important time for reflection and reassessment. CHECK THE SPELLING (for Japanese, check your strokes; oftentimes hours of my frustration were brought about by two very similar-looking kanji). Try searching for part of your term, as this might bring up the correct term. Also, ask yourself if it seems like a dated term, a nonsense word, or the author's personal slang. One more thing to consider is the possibility of a typo in the original text, though it's far more likely to be a mistake in your methodology than the author and a team of trained editors allowing a glaring error to slip through.
As for the actual translating, you should make at least two drafts. Your first draft might be Japanese-English, that nonsensical garble that comes about when you translate Japanese word-for-word into a language it was never intended to be reconciled with, but your rewrite of this should sound like native English. You're a native speaker, this is where you have the liberty to change and rearrange things in the interest of making them sound good.
This is where people get tripped up, they say, 'The source text is gospel! I don't have the right to interfere with the intentions of the author!' To which I'd reply that in the source text the author doesn't sound like a retarded monkey. Not sounding like a retarded monkey trumps some creative phrasing. Consider a short example from Hear the Wind Sing, when the protagonist is having a discussion with his girlfriend:
'God appears in various forms' is what it says, but don't you think 'God works in mysterious ways' is more natural-sounding?
A question you must ask yourself is, if I were saying this in English, how would I say it? And that's going to be a better translation than a word-for-word find-and-replace of the original.
After spending weeks and weeks producing your translation of your novel, you will finish, and then you may wonder what to do next. If you feel like you did a pretty awesome job and liked the process, you may want to get into freelance translation. Working in your underwear, drinking beer, charging what you want, it's a good lifestyle if you've got the right attitude. Proz.com and Translation Cafe are great places to get more info about this.
So far, I've translated two novels using the method above. Each one took about three months, but it's interesting to look back at the first pages I translated and the last pages, and actually be able to see improvement. I suspect you will feel the same way, too. And when you're finished, you may want to print up and bind your work.
Our megatask today involves an instrument known as the baritone ukulele. While most of us know about ukuleles, I, for one, was uninformed about the mighty baritone ukulele until fairly recently.
I suppose a good place to start would be by addressing the question likely burning in your mind, which is, 'WTF is a baritone ukulele?' Good question. Here's the answer: it's a ukulele 3/4 the size of a typical acoustic guitar, using the same tuning as a regular guitar (minus the two fat strings, leaving you with DGBE).
So, from here, one has to wonder what advantage one gets from playing a baritone ukulele instead of a 3/4-size guitar. I mean, you're giving up two entire strings of usable bass sound and one third of your rocking power, so there'd have to be some kind of benefit, right?
Well, there are some benefits. The first one is easier chords and switches. G and Em on a baritone ukulele are ridiculously easy. Most chords only require one or two finger placements, which is nice, especially if you're just starting out. Me, I'd already been playing for seven or eight years when I discovered the baritone ukulele, so this didn't help me out a whole lot, but if I had to start over, I'd start by learning on a baritone uke. Let's have some lists.
Advantages of Baritone Uke vs. Standard Uke
-with no capo, can get most guitar notes (still missing E and A strings)
-with capo 5, can play regular-ukulele style
-it's bigger, so you don't look like a tool holding one
-uses guitar tuning, so it's a very easy switch for people who already can play guitar
Advantages of Baritone Uke vs. Travel-size (3/4-size) guitar
-easier chords and transitions (because there are fewer strings)
-'plucky' ukulele sound
-few people have them, so you'll be unique
-often cheaper than guitars
-more space between strings!
Disadvantages of a Baritone Ukulele
-most guitar shops don't stock them
-strings must be specially ordered (more on this later...)
-don't usually have plug-ins (ukes usually don't, but many acoustic guitars do)
-if you know how to play a regular ukulele, but not a guitar, the tuning could be confusing for you
-because there are only 4 strings, some chords which are differentiated on a guitar won't be on a uke (ex. C can use the same formation as Am7 on a baritone uke)
-the aforementioned extra space between strings might take a little getting used to for a guitar player
As you know if you know me, or as you'll know in a second if you don't know me, I am crazy about fonts and typography. So, when I find things pertaining to this subject, it makes me happy. Without further ado, here's the article:
Dirt. Noise. Crowds. Delays. Scary smells. Even scarier fluids swirling on the floor. There are lots of reasons to loathe the New York City subway, but one very good reason to love it — Helvetica, the typeface that’s used on its signage. Click to read the rest.
A few years ago, Mato (of Mother 3 Translation-fame) posted this video for the song Knit Cap Man by the Moonriders. Shigesato Itoi, the man behind the Mother games, wrote the lyrics for this song. And, what's more, you can sing it on karaoke in Japan, though it's highly unlikely anybody will recognize it.
Anyway, watching this makes me sad and natsukashii.
Yeah, I know it's been around for a while, but this was the first time I'd seen it. This clip from Upright Citizens Brigade, I mean, not Star Wars. Anyway, if you haven't heard of it, you can check it out below in all its glory thanks to the magic of YouTube.
